Joy, The Drunken Love and the Intimacy of the Lover.

Joy, drunken Love; the unending intimacy of the lover, is what I seek the most; once I have narrowed it down, once I have resolved the details back into the primary idea from which they diversified. Wisdom and Understanding are what I would ask for; given the choice of anything and everything. But if I were asked to define it on a personal level; how I would like the thing experienced, I would say, “I want Joy like a deep lake before my house. I want to be drunk on Love, literally drunk on this wine. I want this wine pumping through my veins as if it were my blood and carrying the essence of this wine into my tissue and bone; from the peaking light of the unseen down to the dark trains moving through my bowels and finally, to be able to engage life, every small detail, every transition and event, with the conscious, interpenetrative intimacy of the lover.

We have to become the thing that we want. We are as malleable as anything else, no matter how we have rigidified ourselves with false beliefs. Don’t we become what we do? Aren’t we expressed and defined by what we think and say? ...for good or ill? What you yearn for is what you grow into and become. If you think this out in sexual terms, if you look at the world that has become from collective yearning, the things that this world offers, what it surrounds you with; what leers at you from billboards and television, in shop windows and endless aisles of shelves winking. If you can see everything in the world twitching its ass and all of the minds that follow twitching their ass in expectation of some great promise round the corner... you could see a grand mystery unfolding, forming and reforming itself before your eyes. You could see the whole of history before and beyond, emerging from something and dancing like a kaleidoscope before you. There’s a story about Sita walking in the path and obscuring ones view of Rama. Of course nearly everyone is turning into Sita at this time. And of course, everyone is female to God. And everything is upside down and backwards from the way you have to walk without running into and disturbing the other fish...

You see a pair of foot prints moving across the desert. You assume they will lead you out of the desert and so you follow them and they lead to a skeleton that has fallen in the way and there are no footprints beyond.

Of course, most people look at the industry of the moment, the captains of industry, the magnetic entertainers, the wonder of Vegas and they think; this is real, this is substantial. Some seem more important than others. Some lives have more value and meaning. Most think this. Most do not see life as a literal classroom with simultaneous tens of thousands of lessons dispensed in real time. There’s recess and nap time. There are tests and truants and truant officers. There are drugs and pregnancies and deaths on the highway. There are fights and love affairs and the point of it all buried beneath the pretense and the preening vanity of everything in competition with everything for everything. I think of what I went through; the strange detour into the drowning flash pit of rotating exotica, (while already in possession of the real direction) as my running through vicious briars and thorns designed to rip the false clothing from my body. Sometimes you just have to walk through the fire or burn.

If you are going to search for God, or Truth, or whatever your sense of personal importance makes it convenient for you to call it, you must be aware that it is like taking a lightning rod in hand and walking through a thunderstorm. Sooner or later you are going to get hit by lightning. More likely you will determine that there must be an easier way. The safer, more predictable route into limbo and a place in the Wishin’ and Hopin’ Choir is to wrap yourself in the darkness of orthodoxy and temporal shadow; at least it will be more likely you shall feed the fires than burn at the stake. How does that actually work? Those who have turned away from the truth are the natural persecutors of those in pursuit of it. Some disappointments, some unfortunate knowledge of self will make a person very mean.

I’m not going to be doing this for all that much longer. I can do this, one day following another until the paper weight of the thing printed could crush a small town. “I’m a rambling guy.” as Steve would say. Even if I ramble off into stillness; motion is a given in everything but the motionless cause. The spiritual sun never reaches midheaven. The power of The One is never as much expressed as in reserve. There will always be more than is manifested, expressed or seen. ALWAYS.

So at some point I’m going to pack up my tent and head off somewhere else. I don’t announce my departures or do farewell’s from the bridge. I’m waving my hanky from the beginning as the landscape fades to a vanishing point on the horizon. I’ve always been saying Goodbye. Hello, Goodbye, like the song says.

All the flowers are doomed. It doesn’t make them any less delightful. I am thankful for having gone mad. All the pointlessness that troubles the hearts and minds of the world does not trouble me in the same way. The certainty that there is a defining, guiding and enlightening mind is a comfort that no physical promise of security can give. There are no doors that you can lock against death. There’s only one way to defeat death... heh heh. “Oh no, I insist, after you.” (a short pause for laughter)

So like I said, if I could engage everything with the conscious intimacy of the lover, if I could be drunk on love and informed as to the wellspring of Joy, I think that would do it for me. Well, it lies in some direction. Everything lies in some direction. One could say “everything lies”; but do we need the digression? Just as the hipbone is connected to the legbone, just as the liver is where it is and Perth is where it is and the crocodiles are in Darwin but not present in the same fashion in Washington D.C. but present all the same. Just as there are cobras in India and snakes in LA; just as there are flights headed to Bangkok and flights of fancy coming out of our heads, just as there are more things in Heaven and Earth and the certain truth that all things are possible... just so may I have what I desire. Just so, I may have that Joy, that endless drunken dancing celebration of self in contemplation atremble with the living Braille... in the champagne prism of every color flashing in the white; the merging, dividing and merging thing all at one in secret connection hidden but in reach approaching always. I can have that; that is what I want.

I will have that, I will become that. If you should ever wonder where I have gone without the post forwarding and the usual death grips unwilling for release; should such a thing happen, you can safely assume that is where I have gone. You can assume that is where I am going right now, later on this afternoon and sometime next week. You can assume that, despite the ever changing weather and the temporary consideration of anything moving toward manifestation and following decay that that is all I’m thinking about and all that I intend. You may assume as well that I only went looking for it so that I could give it away.

Now I realize that there are dreams aplenty in this world. I realize there are even more tears than dreams. Were not the capacity to heal and wipe away the every tear included in the things I asked for, I’d ask for them too.

For as long as you wish and pray and struggle and live and die and return for whatever it is that compels you toward it, you can be sure that both it and you are on the way. I wish you a great pleasure in the living. I more deeply wish you the finest wisdom in your choice, because it is your choices that you must live with. You become the thing you choose. I believe that aspiration is destiny, just as much as character is fate. With all of the possibilities that lie before you, be sincere, be good to yourself. Don’t settle for something you don’t want.